Hostess Fruit Pies, a Tool of Justice!

My goodness, I must confess that as a grown-ass Centenarian and International-Spy, I might begin crying as I indulge in my memories about these little fellas. I didn't give much of a damn for that Twinkie the Kid, or Ho-Ho's (although I did giggle at the name), but where the real treasure lied with me was among the cannibalistic pie slinger Simon the Magic Pie-man, and his misadventures in righting wrongs. He was, in a sense, a Bat-Mite. A magic Bat-Mite that sold-out his own kind to children to be devoured without a second thought. A Bat-Mite I can get behind. But I digress...

Once upon a time, when I was knee-high to a grasshopper (and before I became the hip-swinging Cold War Daddy-O that I was destined to be), the Hostess Fruit Pies were plentiful.

It was like a Land of Milk and Honey, minus the Milk and Honey as they were replaced by the delicious goey innards of artificially flavored Fruit Pies. Before I was breaking up Soviet spy-rings and fighting Giant Octopi in volcano bases, I was breaking into a tasty Fruit Pie.

No one was free from the hold that Hostess Fruit Pies had over them! They were more than a tasty treat for Diet Coke swilling, morbidly obese Americans for accomplishing the hard task of walking to school that day, or breathing through their nose, but a tool in the belt of Justice itself. That is right folks, Justice has a belt that is being caved in by its' paunch, and what is in that belt? Fruit Pies!

Just to illustrate my point, look upon this glorious illustration! 

Even the Roller Disco Devils who orchestrated the Watts Riots can't stop kids getting Fruit Pies!

As we can see, the mouth-watering iced artery clogging treats were so potent, that at their mere appearance EVIL was stopped dead in it's dastardly tracks. Hulk's desire for Fruit Pies was so great, he couldn't let the Roller Disco Devils continue their heinous crimes. Nothing irritates the Hulk more than playing a song whose only lyrics are 'Rock Roll' and 'Yeah Yeah' over a boombox as you skate about the street all willy nilly.

Unfortunately, the delicious Deus-Ex-Machina was not meant to last. No more will you see pie-slinging in any comic book to come any time soon. Hostess pies are a thing of the past now. They've gone the way of neon signs, straight-razor shaves in a barber shop, and kids sticking baseball cards in the spokes of their bicycles.

There are of course rumors of a resurgence, just as Captain America was dethawed and Robin was tossed casually in a Lazarus Pit by a well-meaning Ra's al Ghul, there are rumors that the delectable little teeth rotters may be bought by Bimbo, a Mexican confectionery. But of course, as we all know, they are a front for A.I.M.'s Giant Bear Research Division.

Giver of Death, Taker of Life...Bimbo the Bear knows no mercy.

Oh well, at least we can still enjoy the memories! Sweet, Justice filled memories. Take that Algebra! I never liked you anyway! Or your ugly sister Geometry.