50 Great tattoo ideas from the Colonel!

             Now y’see kiddos, as Col. Orville Redenbacher was a military man, he saw many a tattoo on many a bicep, many a shoulder and many a keyster. So, who would be better qualified than to give a little advice on what would be sure-fire tattoos that any one would be proud to display on their flesh? No one! That’s who!

            If you’d take the Ol’ Col.’s advice with a little nudge and a wink, go ahead and print this list out or write down all of them on your flabby meat-bag body somewhere in preparation of living a regret-free life full of beautiful body art. That way, the next time you happen to be wandering drunkenly at night, retching up the eighth six-pack of Busch you imbibed and screaming about how Dr. Otto Ocatvius is now Spiderman and Parker is dead while Aunt May yet lives as you stumble into the nearest Tattoo parlor, you’ll know what to do.

1) A life-like portrait of Gary Spivey, complete with his helmet hair and all white leisure suit, cuddling a naked Chihuahua in his arms.

2) A clown armed with a flamethrower, incinerating a group of mimes as they perform for children.

3) Richard Simmons in full-gallop, holding his arms out like an airplane as he holds pinwheels in each hand.

4) Paula Deen, striking a pin-up pose as she bathes in a large tub filled with butter.

5) A portrait of yourself, wearing a bow-tie and Groucho Marx glasses.

6) Superman sobbing uncontrollably, putting a gun to his head as onlookers begin to run in terror.

7) Little Caesar dressed as a mobster and holding a Tommy-gun, getting ready to do a drive by on the Yo! Noid and the 90’s Pizza Hut mascot.

8) Chair-face Chippendale carving a chair in his own likeness.

9) Jonah Hex riding a T-rex, shooting a Gatling gun and smoking a cigar.

10) A zombified mallard, waddling towards an old lady sitting at a park bench feeding birds.

11) Jay Garrick at a rest home, the tennis balls on his walker on fire as he is being chased by an orderly with a bucket and sponge.

12) A picture of your ex sitting on the couch, crying, masturbating or eating a large tub of ice-cream…or all three at once!

13) The Pillsbury Doughboy with a Hitler mustache.

14) A rotisserie chicken with a massive fork stuck in it, as it oozes blood.

15) A still-life of a large bowl of fruit.

16) A full-sized rendition of Hieronymous Bosch’s  The Garden of Earthly delights all over your body.

17) You giving the thumbs up to yourself on your bicep

18) A penguin with a cowboy hat and boots, smoking a cigarette and holding a revolver

19) Frankenstein’s Monster in a Tuxedo complete with high-heels, fish nets, a boa feather neck scarf, as well as a top hat and cane.

20) The lyrics to a jingle you wrote containing your social-security number, driver’s license ID and any other important information.

21) A seemingly random assortment of lines across your body that creates the illusion of a floating square when you view it at precisely the right angle.

22) A series of anatomically correct organ drawings to assist surgeons as you try to yolo your way out of life.

23) A depiction of a parachuter whose parachute has caught fire and the ground below is covered in very pointy spikes.

24) Patrick Steward as a Centaur dressed in a dinner jacket with coat-tails, in your tramp stamp area.

25) Cobra Commander and Destro making out with their masks on, as a rainbow appears in the background.

26) Mickey Mouse stabbing Mortimer Mouse to death in an alleyway (extra points for it being in black and white)

27) Audrey II screaming ‘Feed Me Seymour’ in a word bubble, in your tramp stamp area.

28) Repo-Man stealing your heart with a banner beneath saying ‘Love is Eternal’.

29) A picture of a sad, fat little man making star-ship noises and smacking an X-Wing made of Legos and a TIE-Fighter made of Legos alone in his room.

30) Your favorite pay-stub.

31) A sad-clown watching a snuff-film, laughing uncontrollably as he holds a cap gun to his head.

32) An M.C. Escher depiction of Calvin, pissing on Calvin, pissing on Calvin ad infintium on his infamous ‘House of Stairs’ drawing.

33) Wolverine slicing tomatoes in the back of a McDonald’s with his claws.

34) Batman fighting Dick Cheney, who is holding an umbrella in a defensive stance and grimacing menacingly.

35) Ben Franklin in S&M gear in a rainstorm, he is doughy but muscular. He is flying a kite with a string that is attached to a nipple-ring; he seems incredibly giddy with anticipation.

36) Abraham Lincoln holding a Katana.

37) A pair of sunglasses on your face.

38) Lipstick kisses all over your neck and face.

39) Soda Popinski and Zangief sharing a drink at a bar.

40) Richard Nixon with a baby’s head.

41) Roller skates on your feet.

42) Dollar signs over your eye lids.

43) Toast being fired out of a toaster, before being caught by Powdered Toast Man.

44) An Eagle with Boxing gloves over it’s talons, punching Osama in the face with the caption ‘We got ‘im!’

45) Mr. Rodger’s covered in blood, with a machete in his hands and a maniacal glint in his eye.

46) Satan going through a car-wash, he is looking directly at you, smiling and giving a thumbs-up gesture. His nipples are hard as rocks.  

47) A man using a magic eight-ball as he walks into traffic without realizing it.

48) The Joker in a thong posing in a mirror as ‘I’m sexy and I know it’ plays from a nearby boom-box.

49) Forty two pieces of jigsaw dotted around your body (including one of the sole of your left foot) which when assembled create an image of the Anti-Life Equation.

50) Conan the Barbarian drooling from the mouth, his eyes rolling in the back of his head as he swings a foam sword wildly in the air, riding one of those little horsey rides that they have for kids outside of grocery stores.