Bimbo Rebanadas Frosted DEATH

We've all seen gastrointestinal questionable objects right? Giant pickles, corn dogs that have been underneath heat lamps for half a day in gas stations, the terror of canned Christmas dinners. But none of those things quite prepared me for Rebanadas, a word which Google tells me means 'Slice' in Spanish. Slice of what you ask? Well, let's take a gander!

Yum!

Toast. But not just any toast. Frosted toast. Two pieces of slightly burnt white bread with fucking cake frosting between them. It sounds like something I'd try to make when I was five years old and there wasn't any cake in the house so dammit I was going to make my own cake and watch Mighty Max or die fucking trying.

Even Mighty Max is stupefied by this part of a nutritional breakfast.

  The big question however still lingered? Could I eat the damn thing? After some thought I decided that yes. Yes I could!

I unwrapped it from it's tomb. The sickly sweet smell of cheap butter-cream frosting and several weeks old bread flooded the room. Flakes of frosting, reminding me of dried jizz stuck to the wrapper. I couldn't turn back now though. Too late for that. I was stuck between my own Scylla and Charybdis. The bread, and the frosting.  

 I tapped the bread with my finger. No give at all. Hard as an adobe brick. It might as well have been made out of glue and sawdust. I picked up the whole uhh...frosting sandwich and wrapped it against the table.

With a dull 'thud' a hole punched through the side of the bread, sending pieces of bread and frosting with the consistency of Elmer's finest Glue into the table. Pulling my tasty Rebanada off of the table, sticky strings of Spider-man webbing away, I brought it to my mouth, and bit into it.

Gritty like dollar store toothpaste, and overly sweet like a diabetic's cookies, the sugar in my mouth bull-rushed my fillings and said 'Hello' by taking jack-hammers to them. I grimaced and held my jaw as I inhaled sharply, sucking up crumbs and dried frosting and preservatives and red dye number 5, jamming them down my windpipe. I began choking on the evil concoction. 'WHY? WHY DID I DO THIS? HELP ME MIGHTY MAX!' Became my only thoughts as I struggled to breathe. I panic, and decide that the best way to start breathing would be to try to eat the rest of this accursed thing as fast as I can. Oh yes, the fight for this Rebanada was a fight to the death. Butter, sugar, carbs, my personal Achilles' heel.

Tears poured down my face. I instantly regretted as I slammed both of my hands down onto the table again and again, smashing the wrapper as I struggle for breath. The bread lacerating the roof of my mouth like Captain Crunch covered in tiny razor blades, the intense, searing pain of cavities, and the ever pressingly urgent need for breathe are making me really question my blogging hobby.

I don't have a picture of me dying, so here is one of Bea Arthur judging my dumb ass.

Finally, just as the world starts to swim around me, I wretch the whole vile mess up in a ball of my own spit and embarrassment on the kitchen table. I dry heave for several minutes before cleaning my mess up and deposing of my wanton treat in the trash. My trial was complete. I had won.

So yeah, craving a little cheap excitement? Don't have enough money for paint thinner? Head on down to your local gas station and pick one of these babies up for less than a dollar. You won't regret it!

The Colonel's Picks For April 17th, 2013

"I had a good home, but I left..." -Tom Waits

Maybe one day this old Colonel will tell you of how I first became a super soldier, and the blood soaked story of my first encounter with Paula Deen. Until then you'll have to wonder...but enough of that, here's my stack for the week.

Star Wars: Darh Vader & The Ninth Assassin #1 (Dark Horse)

Tim Siedell, Stephen Thompson, & Mike Irwin cast Darth Vader as Uma Thurman in Kill Bill in this new mini from Dark Horse. A wealthy beaurocrat loses his only son to Vader's lightsaber and enlists one assassin after another to take out the Sith Lord once and for all. So far, eight would-be bounty hunters have fallen, but what is the secret of the ninth? What edge could he possibly have over the force-choking tyrant? I'm more than a little excited about this one, folks.

Jirni #1 (Aspen)

I'm not gonna fib here, dear reader, the dollar price tag is what originally brought this little gem from Aspen Studios to my attention. The world needs more dollar comics! At least for first issues. Writer J.T. Krul and artist Paolo Pantalena introduce a new purple skinned, adventure-craving heroine in the scantily-clad Aspen tradition. It also turns out Mr. Krul has been prepping this series for a few years now and calls this his "magnum opus". I'm anxious to see what took so long. His writing at DC never blew me away, but he can still tell a good yarn. Maybe with a little more creative freedom, we can see what he's really capable of.

Miniature Jesus #1 (Image)

Ted McKeever's new miniseries from Image sounds provocative enough to warrant a label of some kind. When the devil on your shoulder is the loudest voice in the room and the angel who should be on your other shoulder is nowhere to be found, what's a recovering alcoholic to do? I don't know much else about this series, but it has definently piqued my interest. I'm making it a certified Colonel's Pick for the striking cover alone.

Popeye Classics Volume 1 HC (IDW)

This is a hardcover collection of the 1948 debuting Popeye comics written and illustrated by Bud Sagendorf, who was an assistant to E.C. Segar, the creator of Popeye. This collection contains four complete issues plus a whole bunch of one-page strips by Sagendorf. Any fan of comics or animation history would be remiss not to have this on their shelf. Popeye was once a pretty big deal, being one of America's most popular comic book adventure heroes until a certain man in a red cape swooshed by...

House Of Gold & Bones #1 (Dark Horse)

Stone Sour and Slipknot frontman Corey Taylor makes his debut in the world of comic books with a promising offering in the horror genre. A tale of nightmares brought to life, House of Gold & Bones tells the story of The Human and his surreal quest in an alternate dimension. Even if Mr. Taylor's music isn't your cup of tea, the preview art for this series looks fantastic. Apparently, this comic is going to coincide with his band's newest album, so that's a neat tie-in as well. I'm still waiting for Jethro Tull: Warchild #1, by the way.

...and there it is folks. Another piping hot bucket of picks for this week. Is Peace and Love the only alternative to life as a warrior. I have some big questions to ponder while reading this week's selections, it seems.

Cheers.

The Club Of Heroes Podcast Episode 18: Give me those silver days again

You didn't expect us to cover Silver Age Superman in one episode, did you? Chris & Evan bite the bullet and continue their discussion. Topics include editor Mort Weisinger, the Jimmy Olsen flapjack challenge, and Supergirl's creepy-thinking super-horse. The fun never stops in the Silver Age!

You can download or listen to the episode HERE!

The Club Of Heroes Podcast Episode 17: Do The Krypton Crawl!

In this episode, the Club continues their retrospective on Superman, arriving in that wacky wasteland known as the Silver Age. The age when giant gorillas roamed the Earth and there was Kryptonite of every color! Join Evan and Chris as they ponder where things went wrong for the Man of Steel.

You can listen to or download the episode HERE!

The Colonel's Picks For April 10th, 2013

Groove On! This Colonel is awake, brother. I am a free-flowing, pelvic-thrusting, not-so-secret agent of Peace and Love. Dear Reader, If the galaxy has been unkind to you in the lasts seven days, you know it's time to go to that one special place that always makes you feel better. Time to hop on the Colonel's stack!

Rocket Racoon and Groot Complete Collection TPB (Marvel)

Nearly every Rocket Racoon adventure is collected in this tome for just over 30 dollars. This one's worth it for the original Rocket mini by Mike Mignola alone. It's very early work from the man who later bring us Hellboy & B.P.R.D. The rest of the stuff is pretty spiffy too, comprised of various backup features and Rocket's scant appearances throughout the Marvel Universe. Like I said about Thanos last week, this is another character to watch going forward. Rocket & Groot may steal the show in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy movie and you don't wanna be that one guy at the theatre who doesn't understand why everyone else is so excited.

X #0 (Dark Horse)

From the pages of Dark Horse Presents comes X, an urban vigilante who plays for keeps. X is the brainchild of writer Duane Swierczynski and artist Eric Nguyen. X is not to be confused by with Mister X, who held a spot in the Colonel's picks just a few weeks ago. If nothing else, check this out for Mr. Nguyen layouts, that are sure to make the big wigs at the Big Two take notice. Also available from Dark Horse are the X Archives. Two omnibus-style volumes that contaion the rest of X's previous adventures in the city of Arcadia, where cash is King.

Li'l Gotham #1 (DC)

Dustin Nguyen's Little Gotham strips have appeared as back matter in the regular Bat-books for years now, and they finally have a home in their own regualr series. I have many fond memories of the X-Babies from my earlier days as a comic collector, and this looks to scratch that bizarre itch. The I-want-baby-versions-of-my-favorite-heroes itch. Dustin Nguyen can do grim and gritty pretty darn well as he's proven in the past on titles like Detective comics, but this cutesy, chibi-type stuff flows just as freely from his capable pen to the page. Oddly enough, this first issue contains a Halloween story and a Thanksgiving story, so this may've been digital first material. Here's hoping this isn;t just a miniseries of reprints and that Dustin is hard at work on new stuff too.

G.I. JOE The Cobra Files #1 (IDW)

The title to this comic might imply it's an OHOTMU or Who's Who type issue full of statistics and character profile pages, but this is actually a brand new story set in IDW's current GI Joe continuity. Mike Costa and Antonio Fuso bring us Chameleon, a Cobra agent turned good-girl looking for redemption. Flint is willing to take a chance on her, but can a former Cobra agent really be trusted? Oh, the intrigue! I remember my first double agent gig back in the day...

Colonized #1 (IDW)

From the co-creator of Zombies vs. Robots, Chris Ryall, comes this new miniseries about an alien spaceship animating the dead. Hmm...I'm noticing a recurring theme in Mr. Ryall's work. The artwork is by indy darling Drew Moss with covers by the indy master Dave Sim. Sim lending his talents to the covers of this miniseries gives this project a little more weight, even if it's at the expense of Mr. Moss. This should be a kooky horror/sci fi mash-up with trippy art at the very least, so I'll gladly plunk down my four sheckles.

A lot to love this week, Peace Warriors! Classic collections and new concepts side by side blazing a trail into forever. The best part about being an agent of Peace and Love? The LSD! Now get your green furry arms off me before I fire up this jetpack you damn dirty dandelion!

Cheers.

The Club Of Heroes Podcast Episode 16: The Most Evilest Kids You Know

It's another famous first for the COH Crew! Chris, Matt, & Evan respond to a question posed by a listener!! Who has the greatest Rogues Gallery? What makes a great villain? The Club discusses the nature of villainy and other evil things in this senses-shattering sixteenth installment.

Listen to or download the episode HERE!

The Colonel's Picks For April 3rd, 2013

Paula won't return my calls, but that's not gonna stop me from spreading Reddenbacher style Peace and Love throughtout the known galaxy. Just to show you all I mean biznass, I'm expanding the Colonel's picks for this week, because there's just too much to love! Here's my pile for this week, groovers.

Thanos Rising #1 (Marvel)

The great bearded one Jason Aaron lends his pen to Marvel's most powerful megalomaniac in this new miniseries featuring the stunning artwork of Simone Bianchi. Thanos has always been a power player in the Marvel universe, from his glory days in Starlin's Infinity Trilogy to his more recent role in the cosmic Annihalation event. Now he's primed to plague either the Avengers or the Guardians Of The Galaxy on the silver screen sometime in the next few years as well as taking center stage in Jonathan Hickman's upcoming Infinity saga. Big doin's are centering around this purple skinned lover of death, so why not let an expert comics scribe like Mr. Aaron guide you through his world.

Princeless Volume 2 #1 (Action Labs)

The nay-sayers claim the sky is falling and the comic book audience is shrinking, devolving if you will into a mass of 30 and 40 somethings that won't be able to support the industry forever. Wether or not that's the case, some publishers have really risen to the occasion, providing quality content for kids, particularly young girls, that doesn't pander or come with an annoying 'Kidz Zone' label or something. For the gang at Action Lab Entertainment, great comics the whole family can read are their bread and butter. Princeless is the story of a princess tired of waiting for her knight in shining armor, so she decides to rescue herself. Who knows what energetic and enlightened adventures await in this second volume by creators Jeremy Whitley and Emily Martin?

Uber #0 (Avatar Press)

Just when you think Nazi superheroes aren't fun anymore, writer Kieron Gillen and artist Canaan White threaten to "redefine genres" in their new series from Avatar Press. Mixing the fallen Third Reich and superhero conventions can do that, y'know! Gillen's a writer I've grown to trust on name alone over the last few years no matter how tired or wacky a concept sounds. The man co-created Phonogram for God's sake. Canaan White is a new artist on the scene, but one look at his detailed page layouts and horrific scenes of Nazi barbarism will either make you a fan for life or have you bolting out of the room in sheer terror.

Dial H #11 (DC)

Spoiler Alert Nerf Derf: The gatefold cover for this issue (part of DC's WTF month gimmick) features none other than the Scarlet Speedster himself. Is it Barry? Is it Wally? Bart..? Nelson Gent, the lead of Dial H, has been dialing up heroes from other worlds and dimensions leading this old Colonel to believe DC may've found a way to sneak a Wally West Flash cameo into their New 52. Could the H-E-R-O Dial be the back door to reintroducing all of the lost heroes from DC's 2011 reboot? Anyhoo, you should pick up Dial H because it's a damn good series with interesting and dare I say unique characters and concepts, not for cover gimmicks and the false promise of undoing the New 52. Seriously, someone should tell writer China Mieville that he doesn't own any of these characters he's creating for DC, he's giving them too much cool stuff!

Miss Fury #1 (Dynamite)

Miss Fury may've been crackin' skulls back in World War Two, but sh'es still lookin' mighty fine. Dynamite continues to let todays talent revive the lesser known heroes of yesteryear with mixed results. Writer Rob Williams didn't ring a bell at first until I remembered the ill-fated female Ghost Rider series from not-too-long-ago. Whereas Marvel had him on a much tighter leash, I imagine Dynamite will give him a chance to get all footloose with Miss Fury, the heroine who's powered by RAGE. The story involves Nazi scientists, time travel, and a busty crimebuster with a bad attitude. Dear Mr. Williams, stop reading my diary.

'68 Jungle Jim #1 (Image)

Just a generation or two back, young men of several nations entered the meat grinder called Vietnam. And in the ever tasteful way comics and other mediums will, the creators and storytellers of today see this horrible period of history as being rife with potential. This new series from Mark Kidwell and Jeff Zornow isn't the first appearance of Jungle Jim, but at Image the character may finally find a bigger audience. This is a war comic disguised as a horror comic and may just be up your alley, if the latest Bat-Spider-X-Avenger-thing of the month just seems too inconsequential.

Well, dear reader, that's all the peace and love I can muster for this week. Who knew being a born-again flower child could be so exhausting?

Cheers.